You never read this! I'm alone on the internet! Talking to myself in a dark room. But hey, if you do somehow manage to stumble on this empty corner of the interenet where even I seldomly frequent, Make a comment, click a link.
I've been listening to more music lately. I blame Heidi. I've also been sick with what doctors call bronchitus. I blame Heidi. In any case, I've been making a few playlists that I felt fit a mood I was going for. So, I'll post one here and there. They usually take a day to make, so don't get all antsy!
In any case, have one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPVSfxKTgsY&feature=BF&list=PL788AA0977A33662E&index=1
Simply titled "good stuff" A gathering of mellow tunes and songs that speak to my soul in profound way. More of a journey than a playlist. I hope you find it as nice as I do.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Thursday, December 10, 2009
what I learned at college
Perhaps the biggest lesson I've taken away from my tenure at Wesleyan is the strongly reinforced notion that I am not good enough. I know this sounds like I'm whining, and it's all in the past, and blah blah. But in careful consideration, part of looking back and putting pieces together, can fold them together, so they can be more easily packed away and forgotten about.
To be honest
I did learn a lot at wesleyan. And I still have more time left. And if anything, I'd love to continue studying there. I've become very attracted to the notion of being a professional student. I've found a new passion for knowledge awakened in me, or perhaps reawakened since coming to Estonia. Seeing what others have to say on topics of philosophy, as well as studying the language, has realy intrigued me, and if I wasn't so terrible at it, I'd think becoming a linguist would be really cool. I have every intention or redoubling my efforts next semester in attempt to better wield the language home to one million people.
But I digress
There are some hard lessons in life, I seemed to need to learn one over and over again. First is the problem of being a PA. This was perhaps the first time I was dealt a blow. It hurt, but I was determined to bounce back from it. At the time I still had my fraternity and my girlfriend. A lot of people in my corner, a place to retreat, rebuild, and try again. Too soon I find myself loosing everything. One semester saw me loose everything else I had left. The normal confidences "for your parents, for yourself, to keep your scholarships, to get a good future" they all seemed so worthless. What was the point in the future when I lost the only person I wanted in it.
Getting the boot from my fraternity (and being denied reinstatement after 3 unsuccessful petitions) has hurt. I can't believe I still feel so much loyalty for that establishment. I don't know whether I want to help bring it back to the shining glory it once was, or watch it decay in vengeful delight. It's been a point of contention I still find myself struggling with.
Soon my grades began circling the drain and RLCs started making regular stops by my flat to ensure I was okay.
Fast forward to 6 months ago, I've had enough of everything. The me of my past weeps for how broken I've become. Staying in school so that I can continue to reap the benefits of scholarships and not paying any loans, but still needing to get away, the obvious choice is to go abroad. Where else to go, but the backwater european country of Estonia. A small place to rerecollect myself, and maybe regain what it meant to be the person I was. Like when I stepped out of my High School. Smart, capable, confident. It was time to end the cycle of personal destruction.
A refugee?
Perhaps I have been driven from my home. But to be quite certain, it seems my problems are catching up with me. But in no way am I prepared to let the world walk on me as it once did. A safe haven for as long as it can be, because when I come back from this corner of the world, I fully intend to come back swinging. Life is a resource, a precious commodity, not a master that bends us to its will. I was stuck at home in the image of a broken man. Every opportunity was a chance to redeem myself. Something to work for. Something to inspire me. Every power at be refused to give me the chance I needed. I was deemed unfit for service, stuck in the bottom, a glass ceiling that threatened to bow, trapping me in a cage. When I come back, I fully expect people to see me the same way. What I can do about it is not entirely certain in my mind. Wesleyan is a campus full of opportunity, though, and I'll take it back piece by piece if I have to. I refuse to let the stains of the past become my legacy of my time there. I am not driven by selfishness. Not by pride. Nor even by vengeance. I am driven by my calling. My life's purpose, and my potential. I have a place in this world. Perhaps I am not destined for greatness, but I am destined to at least do small things in a great way.
The conclusion
A reckoning is coming. A revolution takes place inside me. Perhaps I've needed to gain motivation on my own. I'm not sure what it is. But in this place where the sun sets at 3:30, the long night poetically channels my spirit and vision that the dawn of all this darkness is not so far away, and a time of change is coming. There are still blank pages, the chapter's unfinished. This is where I make my stand and leave the rest for history to decide.
To be honest
I did learn a lot at wesleyan. And I still have more time left. And if anything, I'd love to continue studying there. I've become very attracted to the notion of being a professional student. I've found a new passion for knowledge awakened in me, or perhaps reawakened since coming to Estonia. Seeing what others have to say on topics of philosophy, as well as studying the language, has realy intrigued me, and if I wasn't so terrible at it, I'd think becoming a linguist would be really cool. I have every intention or redoubling my efforts next semester in attempt to better wield the language home to one million people.
But I digress
There are some hard lessons in life, I seemed to need to learn one over and over again. First is the problem of being a PA. This was perhaps the first time I was dealt a blow. It hurt, but I was determined to bounce back from it. At the time I still had my fraternity and my girlfriend. A lot of people in my corner, a place to retreat, rebuild, and try again. Too soon I find myself loosing everything. One semester saw me loose everything else I had left. The normal confidences "for your parents, for yourself, to keep your scholarships, to get a good future" they all seemed so worthless. What was the point in the future when I lost the only person I wanted in it.
Getting the boot from my fraternity (and being denied reinstatement after 3 unsuccessful petitions) has hurt. I can't believe I still feel so much loyalty for that establishment. I don't know whether I want to help bring it back to the shining glory it once was, or watch it decay in vengeful delight. It's been a point of contention I still find myself struggling with.
Soon my grades began circling the drain and RLCs started making regular stops by my flat to ensure I was okay.
Fast forward to 6 months ago, I've had enough of everything. The me of my past weeps for how broken I've become. Staying in school so that I can continue to reap the benefits of scholarships and not paying any loans, but still needing to get away, the obvious choice is to go abroad. Where else to go, but the backwater european country of Estonia. A small place to rerecollect myself, and maybe regain what it meant to be the person I was. Like when I stepped out of my High School. Smart, capable, confident. It was time to end the cycle of personal destruction.
A refugee?
Perhaps I have been driven from my home. But to be quite certain, it seems my problems are catching up with me. But in no way am I prepared to let the world walk on me as it once did. A safe haven for as long as it can be, because when I come back from this corner of the world, I fully intend to come back swinging. Life is a resource, a precious commodity, not a master that bends us to its will. I was stuck at home in the image of a broken man. Every opportunity was a chance to redeem myself. Something to work for. Something to inspire me. Every power at be refused to give me the chance I needed. I was deemed unfit for service, stuck in the bottom, a glass ceiling that threatened to bow, trapping me in a cage. When I come back, I fully expect people to see me the same way. What I can do about it is not entirely certain in my mind. Wesleyan is a campus full of opportunity, though, and I'll take it back piece by piece if I have to. I refuse to let the stains of the past become my legacy of my time there. I am not driven by selfishness. Not by pride. Nor even by vengeance. I am driven by my calling. My life's purpose, and my potential. I have a place in this world. Perhaps I am not destined for greatness, but I am destined to at least do small things in a great way.
The conclusion
A reckoning is coming. A revolution takes place inside me. Perhaps I've needed to gain motivation on my own. I'm not sure what it is. But in this place where the sun sets at 3:30, the long night poetically channels my spirit and vision that the dawn of all this darkness is not so far away, and a time of change is coming. There are still blank pages, the chapter's unfinished. This is where I make my stand and leave the rest for history to decide.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
An introductory post? Hardly.
Chances are you came here because you already knew me. With that said, skipping the ribbon cutting and getting right to the stuff.
Had a lot of thoughts on my mind lately, so I'll try to make this quick in a few parts.
Music
I've been listening to a lot of music lately. CD's I fully intend to buy when I get to it next:
1. 30 Seconds To Mars, Debut Album
2. All the Staind I am missing
3. MGMT, Time To Pretend
Also on the list is a Beatles greatist hits album. I've been realizing how much I miss 92.9 for my classic american rock, so I may commence to gathering some of that at some point in the future, too much good music I don't want to forget.
30 seconds to mars, definitely going to play some gears to that when I get back, it's heavy, and I love it, and it doesn't depressingly remind of all the gears I'm missing out on.
Testing Time
Estonian language is a killer, probably a huge mistake taking something so complicated in a time when I all I want is to take time off to get back on even keel. But I love it and am learning, even if my grades don't end up reflecting it. So long as I pass my class, I'm definitely going to keep studying independantly, found a website http://www.flashcardmachine.com wish I had found this at the beginning of the year. Definitely my flag ship for ways to study from now on.
Estonia
Expect me to post a lot on this country in the time to come. I've already seen a lot of Tartu, and am really getting the hang of this place. With this, there seems to be very little to cut through the mundane, and very little in the way of finding nice places that offer cheaper "product xyz" than anyone else. It's different, but Estonia is prime example of how different isn't always good. So little information is available when you come here, I just didn't realize how much trouble some things would be, like simply getting to my classes.
In any case, since space is limited, expect links to my youtube, which will invariably be the place where I post photos and videos (photos will be in slideshow on youtube because I refuse to link my facebook to this, though anyone with the smarts could probably find me.)
In anycase
I'm hoping this goes well. I have a lot of thoughts and sometimes it seems that a lot of times the only sufficient way to stop them from ruining my thought process is to materialize them. Since I don't have an audience, and my parents insist I start blogging, this is my soundboard. So if you can get past my grammer, spelling, and my odd narrative, then stay tuned, folks, 'cause we're gonna get a lotta miles outta this one.
Had a lot of thoughts on my mind lately, so I'll try to make this quick in a few parts.
Music
I've been listening to a lot of music lately. CD's I fully intend to buy when I get to it next:
1. 30 Seconds To Mars, Debut Album
2. All the Staind I am missing
3. MGMT, Time To Pretend
Also on the list is a Beatles greatist hits album. I've been realizing how much I miss 92.9 for my classic american rock, so I may commence to gathering some of that at some point in the future, too much good music I don't want to forget.
30 seconds to mars, definitely going to play some gears to that when I get back, it's heavy, and I love it, and it doesn't depressingly remind of all the gears I'm missing out on.
Testing Time
Estonian language is a killer, probably a huge mistake taking something so complicated in a time when I all I want is to take time off to get back on even keel. But I love it and am learning, even if my grades don't end up reflecting it. So long as I pass my class, I'm definitely going to keep studying independantly, found a website http://www.flashcardmachine.com wish I had found this at the beginning of the year. Definitely my flag ship for ways to study from now on.
Estonia
Expect me to post a lot on this country in the time to come. I've already seen a lot of Tartu, and am really getting the hang of this place. With this, there seems to be very little to cut through the mundane, and very little in the way of finding nice places that offer cheaper "product xyz" than anyone else. It's different, but Estonia is prime example of how different isn't always good. So little information is available when you come here, I just didn't realize how much trouble some things would be, like simply getting to my classes.
In any case, since space is limited, expect links to my youtube, which will invariably be the place where I post photos and videos (photos will be in slideshow on youtube because I refuse to link my facebook to this, though anyone with the smarts could probably find me.)
In anycase
I'm hoping this goes well. I have a lot of thoughts and sometimes it seems that a lot of times the only sufficient way to stop them from ruining my thought process is to materialize them. Since I don't have an audience, and my parents insist I start blogging, this is my soundboard. So if you can get past my grammer, spelling, and my odd narrative, then stay tuned, folks, 'cause we're gonna get a lotta miles outta this one.
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