what I learned at college

Perhaps the biggest lesson I've taken away from my tenure at Wesleyan is the strongly reinforced notion that I am not good enough. I know this sounds like I'm whining, and it's all in the past, and blah blah. But in careful consideration, part of looking back and putting pieces together, can fold them together, so they can be more easily packed away and forgotten about.

To be honest
I did learn a lot at wesleyan. And I still have more time left. And if anything, I'd love to continue studying there. I've become very attracted to the notion of being a professional student. I've found a new passion for knowledge awakened in me, or perhaps reawakened since coming to Estonia. Seeing what others have to say on topics of philosophy, as well as studying the language, has realy intrigued me, and if I wasn't so terrible at it, I'd think becoming a linguist would be really cool. I have every intention or redoubling my efforts next semester in attempt to better wield the language home to one million people.

But I digress
There are some hard lessons in life, I seemed to need to learn one over and over again. First is the problem of being a PA. This was perhaps the first time I was dealt a blow. It hurt, but I was determined to bounce back from it. At the time I still had my fraternity and my girlfriend. A lot of people in my corner, a place to retreat, rebuild, and try again. Too soon I find myself loosing everything. One semester saw me loose everything else I had left. The normal confidences "for your parents, for yourself, to keep your scholarships, to get a good future" they all seemed so worthless. What was the point in the future when I lost the only person I wanted in it.
Getting the boot from my fraternity (and being denied reinstatement after 3 unsuccessful petitions) has hurt. I can't believe I still feel so much loyalty for that establishment. I don't know whether I want to help bring it back to the shining glory it once was, or watch it decay in vengeful delight. It's been a point of contention I still find myself struggling with.
Soon my grades began circling the drain and RLCs started making regular stops by my flat to ensure I was okay.
Fast forward to 6 months ago, I've had enough of everything. The me of my past weeps for how broken I've become. Staying in school so that I can continue to reap the benefits of scholarships and not paying any loans, but still needing to get away, the obvious choice is to go abroad. Where else to go, but the backwater european country of Estonia. A small place to rerecollect myself, and maybe regain what it meant to be the person I was. Like when I stepped out of my High School. Smart, capable, confident. It was time to end the cycle of personal destruction.

A refugee?
Perhaps I have been driven from my home. But to be quite certain, it seems my problems are catching up with me. But in no way am I prepared to let the world walk on me as it once did. A safe haven for as long as it can be, because when I come back from this corner of the world, I fully intend to come back swinging. Life is a resource, a precious commodity, not a master that bends us to its will. I was stuck at home in the image of a broken man. Every opportunity was a chance to redeem myself. Something to work for. Something to inspire me. Every power at be refused to give me the chance I needed. I was deemed unfit for service, stuck in the bottom, a glass ceiling that threatened to bow, trapping me in a cage. When I come back, I fully expect people to see me the same way. What I can do about it is not entirely certain in my mind. Wesleyan is a campus full of opportunity, though, and I'll take it back piece by piece if I have to. I refuse to let the stains of the past become my legacy of my time there. I am not driven by selfishness. Not by pride. Nor even by vengeance. I am driven by my calling. My life's purpose, and my potential. I have a place in this world. Perhaps I am not destined for greatness, but I am destined to at least do small things in a great way.

The conclusion
A reckoning is coming. A revolution takes place inside me. Perhaps I've needed to gain motivation on my own. I'm not sure what it is. But in this place where the sun sets at 3:30, the long night poetically channels my spirit and vision that the dawn of all this darkness is not so far away, and a time of change is coming. There are still blank pages, the chapter's unfinished. This is where I make my stand and leave the rest for history to decide.